I search and search and search for this. I watch and listen and absorb. I try this, try that. I am seeking and searching, wishing and wanting. And it has finally happened. I don’t remember the last time anything like this has happened. I am sure it has, but I just don’t remember it. I just don’t remember how it felt. I dont know how it can have such an impact. How it tore a hole in my mind and managed to rip away at me. How the finale of a show has done this, I will never know. How something so shocking, so memorable and so, well, amazing, could happen within a 50-minute television show is simply mind-boggling. I really don’t think there are enough words in the thesaurus for amazing, mind-blowing, heart-breaking, game-changing, spectacular, horrific, sublime, superb, scary, brutal. If I could sum up the finale of the fourth season of Dexter I cannot go past saying: everything has changed. And the best thing is I feel it will have changed for the better.

That’s not to say I didn’t like season four any less than the previous three, however there comes a time in the life-cycle of all good TV shows where the writers face an Amazing Race style road block – a choice between two directions, each with their own pros and cons and levels of easiness. I cannot believe I am about to say this but my once favourite show, 24, always chooses what I can only say now, by comparison, the easy option. It is always seemingly so easy for them to add more and more into Jack’s life to make it more and more thrilling. But not since the first longest day of Jack’s life have I ever been left completely and utterly speechless. And for fuck sake I fucking love this feeling. I love that a show that I have invested so much in is able to repay this investment and faith with such a complete and utter sledgehammer of an ending.

Dexter has always been a show that seemed to know how to hit the mark. For every season that sometimes waivered into easy territory, there was always a brilliantly devised story shift. I think what makes Dexter work so well as a show is that Dexter himself is such a complex character that you need those times away from following him. You need to be able to balance his emotional roller-coaster and battles with his dark passenger with the more, seemingly, mundane – his relationship with Rita and the kids, his devotion to Deb and his need to appear as normal old suburban Dexter. One of my favourite parts of season four was seeing Dexter try to act ‘normal’. The scenes of playing the role at the community barbeque stand out as showing the essence of Dexter. The disturbed, haunted and powerful Dexter is reduced to a bumbling and vulnerable cardboard stereotype. It was and is just brilliant television.

Another part of the series as a whole is the fucking awesome relationship Dexter has with Deb. Deb is such a great character, full of bravado and mock machismo yet so goddamn incredibly emotionally vulnerable and immature. She desperately needs her life affirmed, constantly looking for the approval from Harry that she never got as a daughter. Her love of Lundy, played with exquisite skill by Keith Carradine (so damn awesome in Deadwood too), is in some ways off-putting as she is so young and fragile. Perhaps she was seeking some kind of warmth and comfort that only this older man could offer? I am not sure but I felt so sad for her when she was deep down into the pain of losing him. Deb is such a wonderfully painted character. Her immaturity, constant swearing and childlike reactions to the world really help balance Dexter’s darkness, hidden agendas and lack of emotion. Her over-emotive way of living is in stark contrast to Dexter’s near emotion-less state. As Dexter has begun to grow aware of his emotions and is grappling with controlling them, I felt that in this season, Deb was beginning to gain control herself. In many ways this season feels like a game-changer for Deb as well. I dunno I just really think as wrong as Deb can be, her character is one that I really really like. I love how she is so vulnerable yet at times so strong, but her strength is always one small step from emotional breakdown. Dex is the opposite in that he never seems to be emotional, yet as we know, he is constantly fighting it, you just never see it outwardly. Argh Deb is so funny to; her potty mouth always makes me laugh. I think Jennifer Carpenter deserves easily as much credit for this season as Lithgow or C. Hall. Stupid Michael C. Hall as if we care about your middle name. Much like how Ledger’s Joker stole the show in The Dark Knight, so too will Lithgow’s Trinity. Yet I see them as just pieces of the puzzle and you cannot complete a season of Dexter without Deb. Or Angel.

I loved Angel’s story this season and my brother can confirm I actually cheered on numerous occasions for him as he fell in love with La Guerta. Its so awesome to see Angel so happy, especially because he is just such an awesome guy. David Zayas plays Angel with a great mix of both strength and weakness. Seems to be a running theme in the show. All the characters have such unique strenghts, yet also have such strong weaknesses. I dunno what it is but I just reckon he’s the best. We have seen how he has struggled with marriage break-up and fumbled his way through differnet relationships, and now he seems so happy. And this makes me so happy to see, and I really cannot explain it. I wish I had a latino uncle maybe? Who knows? C.S. Lee’s Vince Masuka is another character that always works when on screen. His filthy mouth and ladies-man persona is so perfectly balanced by the realisation that he is alone. Detective Joey Quinn, Deb’s new partner, is an interesting character who I think may very well be a key to next season. The actor has a funny name – Desmond Harrington – gold! While I must thank him for allowing us to see many boobs this season, his character has a ‘dirty’ air about him. Will be fascinating to see how the show weaves that web, as Dexter did see him pocket that cash. And surely he, and Angel to, will be suspicious of Dexter due to: Dexter appearing in Trinity’s garage and also Angel saw Dex talking to him in the police station. I am kinda concerned how the writers handle this, but I have to ignore this and have faith. Faith that they know have until September 2010 to come up with a fifth season, equally as impressive as the last. But how in the name of wide wide world of sports can they outdo the finale to this season?

I mentioned before that everything has changed and it has struck me that perhaps things have in some way returned to normality for Dexter. With the shock and awe of this season’s ending does that mean the dynamic between Dexter’s family and dark passenger has now been rewound? Has it been shattered? Has it been so brutally brought to the forefront of his life? Will he ever, ever, be the same? Will he be a rampaging vengeful monster or will this affirm within him the need to NOT let the sins of the father be passed down to his son? Harrison and Harry. Two very very important H’s in the next season. Will Harry be back? Will the dark passenger be back in the driver’s seat of Dexter’s life? I hope that Deb becomes a bigger part of Dexter’s kids’ lives. I love the relationship she has with her brother, so dependant yet so rewarding for him as well. Any show that explores sibling closeness, the quirks of their relationships and the bond shared is something I hold dear.

So many questions. So much left to ponder. So much left to stew over and fester. So much to discuss and debate within. This is honestly unlike any reaction I have felt to a movie or tv show in god knows (he doesn’t really) how long. This will sit with me until September 2010. But the best thing about it, its something I can talk to other’s about, unlike our man Dex. Trapped within what will now be a tormented, vengeful and regretful soul. It will be my own dark passenger.

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