You can learn a lot when you grow up. As a child you learn what things are sharp and stingy, squishy and smelly and also when to look away when watching scary movies. One of the recurring movies in my growing-up-ness was Predator, and I don’t think the film really gets the credit it deserves. Anyone who has more than a passing likeness of brain matter in their skulls knows this movie; and they know its in the upper echelon of awesome. What some people often neglect are the messages in the film, the subtle words of wisdom you can use throughout your life, in an effort to understand some of life’s mysteries. There are too many to recount, so I will focus on just a couple. Feel free to add your own suggestions at the end.

Whan I was just a wee lad, there were two concepts in this quote that didn’t make much sense. What is a cabinet minister and what are these borders? Concepts alien to me were soon explained; cabinet ministers are politicians, usually seen in low-lying helicopters flying over thick jungle and the borders were the fenced off bits seperating countries from killing each other or spilling over. Just as Dutch (Arnie) realises the whole story as to why he was there was cooked up by his long-time pal Dillon (Carl Weathers…where is he? I found his arm…) I too was quick to understand politicians cannot be trusted. And nor can their underlings, who in this case was Dillon.

I think this is where I got my current idea about the politicians we see on our TVs, in our newspapers and, thankfully, not in our houses. How can you trust them? If it was entirely believeable to the toughest SOB in that particular jungle that the cabinet minister could have been shot down, then it is entirely reasonable that I could fall for that trap too then huh? Hence, I cannot trust, and will not trust politicians. Their wily underlings who work to sway me (hi there FOX NEWS) try on a daily basis, but I must be strong. Which in an abstract way leads me to the next thing.

So in life, when you are faced with an invisible alien predator intent on killing you, ripping your spine out and polishing your skull, you just have to be able to bluntly assess the situation. If said invisible alien predator has flesh that can be punctured, and in doing so you can make it bleed, you can kill it. So for most of my adult life I have seen all my challenges as invisible alien predators who can be killed cause of their bleeding-ness.

The final assignment at school was a four thousand word invisible alien predator who didn’t like it when I worked out how to make it bleed by actually studying. When suffering the desperate need to pass gas when in the company of finer folk, the invisible alien predators were manifesting themselves as pains in my bowels; I got rid of them with a squeeze of the cheeks. When I wanted a pay rise, the invisible alien predator was my hesitation and nerves but I killed him good. Didn’t get the pay rise though…so now doubt there will be a sequel. Probably set in the near future with a different set of main characters-I mean circumstances.

There is a lot you can take from Predator. You just have to know where to look and want to find it. I learn also that valleys that lead to the east are usually no good, even for broke-dick dogs. So my inclination to be a tad ‘ist’ to the East is justified. I mean it certainly had Billy spooked.

I digress. As said earlier there are thousands of hidden meanings in this film. Please, offer those you have found, as I am always happy to add to my library of knowledge.

// Assy McGee episodes are getting better and betterer!!!

Growing up here in Australia I have been surrounded by countless outside influences- family, friends, television, koalas, dingoes and racists. Family teaches you the basics of life, friends offer you a way to make these life experiences unique. One of the greatest teachers of my current system of beliefs has been Hollywig. From the land of silicon-enhancement both computerised and mammary-ised, many films have offered me characters to look up to; to look for advice, take heed of their wisdom and even sometimes impersonate. One such film was the original, and still the bestest, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I could spend hours detailing the wisdom you can take from this film, but one such pearl was based around something I know much about. And that is patience. People often accuse and mock me for being impatient but little do they know that I’m only impatient because I want the best from whatever situation it is that is causing said impatience. The wise and wise-cracking Michaelangelo (the party dude!) offers such common sense and logical advice, when ordering pizza.

I quoteth:

Wise man say, forgiveness is divine. But never pay full price for late pizza.

Powerful and full of meaning. In fact its such a deep comment that it my take you some time to digest it. Take a moment and think about it.

Give me that moment back and just think about the whole ‘forgiveness is divine’. Yes, forgiveness is the key to harmony, but I think the key to Michaelangelo’s greatness is how he refines this vaguery into something with more precision. Yes, forgive, be divine in action. But you can’t always forgive without the need for the offending person – in this case, pizza delivery boy – to learn a lesson. In this case, the pizza is not full price, due to the lateness. Such logic. While still paying for the pizza, and forgiving the delievery boy for his infraction, the boy is offered a chance at learning and redemption. Such an honourable thing for the orange-bandana’d toitle to do.

And thats how I learnt that patience is a virtue and forgiveness is a divine action. But there are times when these two things need a bit of a precision action, and thats where the trick is. I can’t not pay full prize due to late pizza, because that is an isolated instance, but I can, in my own way, seek out some kind of retribution for those who impinge on my enjoyment of services I purchase. The big supermarkets cop it each time I break a few wafery biscuits, pop holes in the bog-scroll wrappers or even, when I am feeling daring, eat cashews as I am walking around…with no intention to pay!

In what I hope to become a recurring theme to the site, I wish to share some lessons learnt from movies, television, and all kinds of media, real and imaginary. Cowabunga!